MAX ON LIFE

104. I dread going home at the end of the day. Our home is a combat zone. I don't know what to do about it. I offer to go to counseling. But she refuses. Help!

No one wants to live in a combat zone. But many do. Many do because they married someone who is so different from them. The quiet marry the boisterous. The laid-back marry the high-strung. The left-brained marry the right-brained. We are attracted to our opposite. But what attracts us when we are dating, attacks us when we are married.

For that reason a good marriage is hard work. Harmony doesn't just happen. Vocal harmony is achieved when the choir practices. Color harmony is achieved when the artist experiments. And marital harmony exists when two people resolve to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit" (Eph 4:3). Here are some ideas:

Be considerate. "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives" (1 Peter 3:7). The word consider shares ancestry with the word knowledge. It means to "have an understanding of". It is amazing how quickly consideration vanishes once we get married. "The wisdom that comes from heaven is... considerate" (James 3:17). When I'm inconsiderate to my wife, I'm stupid. The wise thing is to be considerate of your husband, of your wife.

Love "does not demand its one way" (1 Cor 13:5). Don't try to change your mate. don't change the "I do" into an "I'll redo". Meet in the middle. Be flexible. Yield your rights. Give and take. Learn the art of negotiation. Compromise.

Keep courting. What you did to fall in love, keep doing so you'll stay in love. "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Prov 5:18). "Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love" (Eccl 9:9). Enjoy your spouse. Encourage each other. Compliment your wife on her new shoes, your husband on his hard work. Look into your spouse's eyes and say, "My life is so much better with you". Each day this week pick out something you like, big or small, and be thankful. You will find that your spouse is 90 percent awesome and 10 percent under construction. You have a great spouse. Tell him or her. If there was more courting in marriage, there would be fewer marriages in court.

Fight fairly. Never criticize your spouse in public. When you make fun of her cooking or his snoring, you are hitting below the belt. Let others mock their mates, not you. You signed on for better or for worse; if you can love the worst, things will get better. Don't hide stones in snowballs. Don't harbor grudges or dredge up the past. Avoid unnecessary absolutes like never and always. When a fight starts, be quick to listen and slow to speak. Honor each other.

Lock the escape hatch. Throw away the key. You must assume "I'm in it till death do us part. I made a promise to God, and I'm going to keep it if it kills me!" Commitment is what makes a marriage great. If divorce is an option, then you're not going to put forth the effort. Don't use the threat of divorce when you get ticked off. When you get mad, you don't hint at leaving. And you don't use scare words. They are off-limits, unacceptable. No matter how mad you are and how angry and how much you hate that person at the moment, you do not bring up the issue of divorce, because it's not even an issue.

Ask Christ to put his Spirit within you. Love Christ even more than you love each other. When the husband focuses on growing toward Christ and the wife focuses on growing toward Christ, it automatically brings them together. Christ is not going to fight with Christ.

By: Max Lucado