MAX ON LIFE

124. We taught our kids the Bible, but they have left God. What happened? We thought if we trained them in God's Word, they would not depart from Him. Isn't that what the Bible says?

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Prov 22:6)

Be careful with this verse. Don't interpret it to mean "If I put my kids on the right path, they'll never leave it. If I fill them full of Scripture and Bible lessons and sermons, they may rebel, but they'll eventually return."

The proverb makes no such promise. Salvation is a work of God. Godly parents can prepare the soil and sow the seed, but God gives the growth. (1 Cor 3:6). Moms and dads soften hearts but can't control them.

Show them the path? Yes.

Force them to take it? No.

At moments in my own life I stood at the crossroads of the path and even took a few steps down the wrong one. One thing always brought me back - that inner compass shown to me by my Christ-loving parents.

No child ever leaves God's sight. A child may turn his back on God or try to hide from his sight. But leave God's view? Impossible. God has his eye on every child of his.

The Holy Spirit will follow your child down every back road, every dark alley, every dead end and always remind him of the foundation of belief you showed him - the road back home.

My wife shares this verse with the parents of prodigals. It is a good one for you: "The Lord says, 'This is my agreement with these people: My Spirit and my words that I give you will never leave you or your children or your grandchildren, now and forever'" (Isa 59:21).

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

123. We're trying to teach our children humility, but at the same time we don't want to destroy their self-esteem. What would you say is a good balance?

There are two verses, both found in Philippians that you should teach your kids because they balance the spectrum of humility and self-esteem.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves". (2:3)

"I can do everything through him (God) who gives me strength". (4:13)

Philippians 2:3 says to treat others better than myself.

Philippians 4:13 says God treats me well.

The first says others are more worthy than I am.

The second says I am worthy because God uses me.

The first says I am lower than others.

The second says I am greater because of God's strength.

Self-esteem is what people see when they look in the mirror - what they understand as their value. A constant diet of "you're not important; others are" certainly seems to devalue a person. But it doesn't have to, as long as you remember the second verse. You are strong.

One characteristic we don't find in Jesus is a lack of confidence. He took on the Pharisees, braved angry crowds, stood his ground when others twisted his words, went to the cross confident of his mission, and all the while "did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Mark 10:45).

Teach your child to be a confident servant who knows his purpose in serving others and loves his boss because his boss loved him first and gives him all the strength he needs to face the world.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

122. The world today - people and certainly the media - encourages our children to be self-indulgent. I don't think all this self-preoccupation will help them grow into mature adults. Am I off base here?

Taught at an early age, self-indulgence becomes a way of life. Every beat of a child's heart becomes "me-me, me-me, me-me, me-me".

Television does not present the best methods:

• Kids who get every gadget and goody they want
• Kids who, in thirty minutes, solve all their problems
• Kids who get laughs with their sassy comeback to stupid adults

Television dangles the fruit in front of our kids and says, "Doesn't this way of life look good? Indulge yourself".

But self-indulgence is a problem facing not only our children but humankind. In fact, self-indulgence got us into this mess. "Go ahead, Eve. Eat that fruit. It looks so good. Indulge yourself."

Television only promotes what the world already thinks. So how do yo teach your children well? Give them new models.

Other kids - Make sure they hang out with other kids who don't "have it all" or whose parents don't rush out and buy the latest thing.

Parents - Are they learning self-indulgence from you? Do your schedule and your own priorities take precedence over them? Do you have more toys than they do?

Jesus - Feed them a consistent message of Jesus Christ, focusing on his humility and his self-sacrifice. "Jesus .... was given a position a little lower than the angels" (Heb 2:9). Jesus chose servanthood, and he is the King! Can't we do the same?

Kids need to get turned on to new models of self-sacrifice to realize that life is not one big TV show and the plots don't always center on them.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

121. My job requires lots of overtime, so I can't attend many of my kids' school activities. My wife worries about this a lot. Could this have a negative effect on our kids? Or on my relationship with them?

As a father of three girls, I struggled with the same issues. As God blessed my ministry, more and more calls came in from all over the world, wanting me to speak at churches, conferences, and grand openings of supermarkets. It was hard to say no at first. I felt every opportunity was from God.

Finally I realized that every time I said yes to something, I had to say no to something else. It's called Max's Yes Law of Inverse Dynamics. Look it up! It says this: with every yes in your schedule, there is an equal and opposite no reaction

When I said yes to another speaking engagement, I said no to another family dinner.

When I said yes to another meeting, I said no to my girls' volleyball game.

When I said yes to another book tour, I said no to taking a walk with my wife.

So how do we show people that we love and believe in them? There are many ways to express those feelings - verbal affirmation, love letters, phone calls, even a quick text message saying, "I'm thinking of you". They're all good, but there's one that's the best.

I talked about it in my book A Love Worth Giving:

Do you believe in your kids? Then show up. Show up at their games. Show up at their plays. Show up at their recitals. It may not be possible to make each one, but it's sure worth the effort.... You want to bring out the best in someone? Then show up.

Now that my girls are all grown up, believe me, I'm glad I made that decision to show up before it was too late. Now (cue "Cat's in the Cradle" in the background) I miss those Meet the Teacher Nights and seeing their papier-mache volcano at the science fair and sitting in the stands at the big volleyball meet, even if they were on the bench the whole time.

When it comes to kids and family, it is a lot easier to make money than to make up lost time.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

120. How do I get out of a bad mood? Sometimes I want to snap at anything that moves - and I do!

Some folks don't know we have an option. To listen to our vocabulary, you'd think we are the victims of our thoughts. "Don't talk to me", we say. "I'm in a bad mood". As if a mood were a place to which we are assigned ("I can't call you; I'm in Bosnia") rather than an emotion we permit.

Or we say, "Don't mess with her. She has a bad disposition". Is a disposition something we "have"? Like a cold or the flu? Are we the victims of the emotional bacteria of the season? Or do we have a choice?

Paul says we do: "We capture every thought and make it give up and obey Christ" (2 Cor 10:5).

Do you hear some battlefield jargon in that passage - "capture every thought", "make it give up and obey Christ"? You get the impression that we are the soldiers and the thoughts are our enemies. Our assignment is to protect the homeland and refuse entrance to trashy thoughts. The minute they appear on the horizon, we go into action. "This heart belongs to God", we declare, "and you aren't getting in here until you change your allegiance".

"Selfishness, step back! Envy, get lost! Find another home, Anger! You aren't allowed on this turf". Capturing thoughts is serious business.

We are not a victim of our thoughts. We have a vote. We have a voice. We can exercise thought prevention.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

119. More than anything in the world I want to be a good mom to my kids. How can I be the mom God wants me to be?

The virgin birth is more, much more, than a Christmas story. It is a picture of how close Christ will come to you, a mom, as you also bring a child into the world.

Imagine yourself in that story found in Luke 1.

God comes to you and says, "I have a special task for you A child. A special child that I want to entrust to you. Are you willing to raise this one?"

You stammer, take a breath. "This sounds scary".

"Don't worry. I'll be there with you. This child is special to me. He will be a great child."

You shake your head. "Such an awesome responsibility. I don't know if I can do it."

"Nothing is impossible with me."

You smile. "I am your servant. I'll do it".

Do we think only one child received God's special attention? Sure, only one was his Son, and an angel sent out those special birth announcements. accompanied by an angelic choir singing "Happy Birthday". Of course God pulled out all the stops for Jesus' birth.

But children aren't randomly born to parents. God orchestrates the right children to be born to the right parents.

Being the mom God wants you to be starts with the understanding of how important your job is in God's eyes. He entrusts you with one of his own children. He chose you out of all the moms in the world for this one child.

Remember, you, too, are hight favored by God himself to receive such a special gift.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

117. Now that my two sons are adults, they have strayed far from God. I pray daily for their return. As I wait, I can't help but worry that their hearts are becoming harder and that they will not return to God.

No child of God is too far from home.

The prodigal son assumed he was. He had spurned his father's kindness and "journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living" (Luke 15:13). The word translated here as wasted is the same Greek verb used to describe the action of a seed-sowing farmer. Envision him throwing handfuls of seeds onto tilled earth. Envision the prodigal tossing his father's money to greedy merchants: a roll of bills at one club, a handful of coins at another. He rides the magic carpet of cash from one party to the next. His heart grows hard.

And then one day his wallet grows thin. The credit card comes back. The maitre d' says, "No"; the hotel says, "Go"; and the boy says, "Uh-oh". He slides from high hog at the trough to low pig in the mud. He finds employment feeding swine. Not a recommended career path for a Jewish boy. His heart breaks.

The hunger so gnaws at his gut that he considers eating with the pigs. But rather than swallow the pods, he swallows his pride and begins that famous walk homeward, rehearsing a repentance speech with each step. Turns out he didn't need it. "His father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him" (v 20). The father was saving the son's place. His heart softened.

There's a place for your sons too. They are always invited to return to the place of honor. It just takes some time and some prayer to get their hearts right.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

115. Every day I worry about my children. Although they are safe and happy today, I still worry about them. I worry if they will remain true to God. I worry if they will marry good people. I worry if they might get sick and suffer pain. How do I control these worries?

What would parents do without worry? It almost seems as if it's in the job description: "Parents Wanted. Must be able to perform sleepless nights and meaningless pacing, wringing their hands and biting their nails."

The only things worry promises are stubby fingers and sore feet.

"Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?" (Matt 6:27)

Worry has no positive side effects. In fact, it subtracts moments from your life in the form of heart stress and rising blood pressure.

Worry is antitrust. If you are worried, you don't trust something.

- Your kids - The weather

- Their mode of transportation - The church

- Their friends - Their future spouse

- Strangers - God

God takes care of millions of birds, billions of flowers. Can he take care of your children? Certainly.

How do you stop worrying? Jesus made it clear.

"Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about life." (Matt 6:25)

Pretty blunt answer. Stop it! Just say no to worry. Slap at it like a bloodsucking mosquito. Easier said than done, huh?

Worry tests your trust, so hand your children to God and let Him babysit your babies when you're not around. He's pretty good at it.

"Casting the whole of your care (all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all) on Him." (1 Peter 5:7)

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

114. My wife and I serve on a foreign mission field. W moved our family here in response to God's guidance. But now we are facing problems with our kids and we are wondering whether we made a mistake in coming here.

I wonder how Noah felt, cramming his family onto a luxury animal cruise (Gen 6:13-7:5).

Did Abraham ever regret moving from Ur to Canaan (Gen 12:1-4)?

Or did Joseph question his forced relocation into slavery (Gen 37:12-28)?

I wonder if Moses ever thought that moving his family and his people to the promised land was a mistake (Genesis - Deuteronomy).

I'm sure at times all of them suffered a twinge of doubt, but overall, in the end, it made sense. Why? Because God called all of them to these places.

Hebrews 11 summarizes the stories of people who were asked to do things by God, but none of the tasks made sense at the time. They acted in faith. The kind of faith that does but never sees.

If God called you to a foreign mission field, he already knows all the parameters, all the possibilities, all the problems that could occur. He's considered what will happen to you and your spouse, how it will affect your kids, and what it will mean to the people you serve.

He took care of Noah, Abraham, Joseph, Moses, and their families as they moved out into foreign mission fields.

Why not you?

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

113. I grew up in a home with no discipline. My parents let me do anything I wanted to do, and I did. In raising my kids, I don't want to follow their example. I don't want to over-discipline either. What is the balance?

Gardeners know how to straighten a tree. Some saplings are strong and healthy but are headed in the wrong direction. They suffer from a lean. Wanting the tree to grow straight, what does the gardener do? He ties a rope to the trunk, straightens the tree, and stakes the rope into the ground. Henceforth, as the tree grows, it is pulled in the right direction.

Children need the same correctional tug. The Bible calls this discipline.

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." (Prov 22:15)

"A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them." (Prov 13:24)

Scripture never endorses physical abuse or irresponsible chastening. The Bible does teach that punishment is a deterrent for defiant disobedience. In fact, under the Law of Moses, rebelling against parents was a capital offense (Deut 21:28-21). There's no mention in history of its ever being used, but for sure it was threatened!

Discipline is not easy, but these principles helped Denalyn and me.

Be careful. Be quick to interrupt misbehavior but slow to punish it. Place a child in time-out while you both cool down. Punishment is never a license for cruelty. If you are enjoying the administration of the discipline, you need to stop.

Be consistent. The punishment must fit the act. Seek to discern the cause of the action. What motivated this behavior? It's one thing to slam a door out of disrespect. It's another to slam it because the ice cream truck is on the street.. Forgetting to clean the room is one matter; stomping a foot and refusing to clean it is another. Oversights are misdemeanors. Rebellion is a felony.

Be clear. Explain what the punishment is and what the offense was. Do not assume the child understands. Do not punish a child for "being bad". The child may have done a bad thing, but that doesn't mean he is a bad child.

Be compassionate. One mistake does not a child make. One season of waywardness does not a child define. "Love does not keep a record of wrongs" (1 Cor 13:5). But love does keep a list of things done well.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

112. What should I tell my kids about sex?

When we became parents, we took on the roles of chauffeur, chaperone, EMT, coach, provider, recreational director, and sex education instructor. Most of us feel woefully inadequate on this last assignment. However, some ideas may help.

Model healthy sexuality in your home. Express appropriate affection. When kids see parents holding hands or kissing good-bye before going to work, this sends a healthy message: physical affection is not to be feared.

On the other hand, if children discover inappropriate sexuality in the lives of their parents, the poor example leaves an indelible impression. If children find their dad's porn on the computer or in the garage, discover romantic text messages on mom's phone but not sent by dad, or awaken to see their single parent's date from the night before cooking breakfast, they take note. Hypocrisy speaks loudly. Don't underestimate the damage of a bad example, and don't underestimate the power of a good one.

Be "askable". When we hear our kids ask about condoms, periods, or intercourse, we are tempted to cover our ears or wash out their mouths. There is no need to overreact. Just do your best. Give clear, age-appropriate answers. Small children need only basic information. Teenagers need more details. At some point all children need to understand that sexual activity and desires are God's good idea. Urgings and interests are not dirty or dangerous. Sex is God's gift, yet it is a wedding gift.

Again, children deserve to hear this message from their parents. I like the idea of parents presenting their child, sometime in early adolescence, with a purity ring or necklace that the teenager can wear as a symbol. Others cosign covenants of sexual purity in which parents and kids promise to honor God's standard.

Connect with a community of faith. You stack the odds in your children's favor by plugging them into a Christian youth group. This only makes sense. When teenagers' best friends are Christians, when their favorite hangout is a youth group, when you help them have healthy peers and hear Christ-honoring truth, you're giving your children a head start.

Make your home a place of grace. Young people mess up. They go too far too fast, and when they do, moms and dads, let's give them a safe place to land. Let's give our children what God gives us: clear teaching, appropriate correction, and abundant forgiveness.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

111. I've fallen in love with a divorced man who has two children. I've never been married, so I wonder whether God looks with any disfavor on marriages to divorced people. Can you help me with these concerns?

Jesus was asked about divorce and remarriage.

"The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?' And He answered and said to them, 'Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female', and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?' So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.'

They said to Him, 'Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?'

He said to them, 'Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery'." (Matt 19:3-9)

Our society plays musical chairs with marriages, exchanging lovers like partners at a square dance. God says stay put and stay faithful.

The home is sacred and should be guarded like a fortress. Only one thing, in Jesus' eyes, warrants divorce - an ongoing choice by one partner to be sexually active with a person outside the marriage.

Divorce should never be taken lightly. If reconciliation is absolutely you'll-be-talking-to-my-lawyers impossible, then what else can you do? If every means or repairing the relationship has been tried, tested, and tossed out, what's Plan B?

So does God forgive those who get divorced? How about an adulterer? Can the unfaithful ever again have a happy marriage?

God forgave King David. For David, adultery became a lifestyle, with all those wives and concubine girlfriends. He satisfied his own desires yet broke God's desire for marriage. David even committed murder to get Bathsheba. So does God forgive murderers and adulterers? Thieves on a cross? Persecutors on the road to Damascus? All the time.

God forgives, but he prefers to prevent. Forgiven people can move on with their lives, but they must deal with the consequences of their choice and all the hurt that accompanies it.

Since divorce is inevitable in this world, God can certainly bless two forgiving and forgiven hearts who desire to start over and make it right the second time.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

110. My husband has admitted to having an affair. We've struggled for years to keep our loveless marriage alive. All my friends tell me I should divorce him while I'm young enough to marry again. Should I listen to them? Divorce seems like such a drastic step, and I know it would hurt our kids.

When two become one, as the Bible describes marriage, they join together with an invisible bonding agent so adhesive that, when broken, it splinters. Marriage is not held together with spit and polish so that it slides apart easily when the two people go their separate ways. Divorce shatters that bond and the lives of the people involved.

Hearts break. Plans disintegrate. Pieces of trust lie all over the place. And it's not just the spouses who must put their lives back together but the children, the aunts and uncles, the grandparents, the friends. Divorce is a nuclear bomb that wipes out everything in its path.

So should you seek a divorce? No. It's never the first option.

Go back to those vows, the moment that first brought you together. Remember the motivation that caused you to say those words. You promised to stay together no matter what, even if you don't feel in love.

Love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment. Thankfully, God does not love me based on whether he feels I meet all his standards. He loves me because he promised to love me in sickness and in health, for better and worse, for as long as we both shall live (which is eternally).

And God always keeps his word. May he help us keep ours.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

109. When Jesus presented hardness of hearts as the reason for divorce (Matt 19:8). What did he mean?

Romance begins with soft hearts. Hand holding. Cuddling. We have pet names for each other. We apologize, take the blame, and share the chores. But let a few years pass, a few babies come, and cardiac calcification sets in.

There is a disagreement. He sits on one side of the couch and she on the other. He's thinking, I'm not going to apologize. Not me. She's thinking, If he believes I'm going to admit my mistake, he's smoking something.

This is a crossroads moment. Will one take the high road and honor the vow? Or will both love pride more than the other person and grumble, "I'm going to make this hurt"? Sometimes one of the two hearts softens. But one is not enough. Marriage depends on two tender hearts.

Hard hearts can't support a marriage. Eventually one of the hard-hearted spouses meets a kind associate or neighbor, and adultery knocks on the door. To prevent this, God builds a moat around the home. "I hate divorce!" he announced (Mal 2:16). It hurts children. It makes a mockery out of marriage. It breaks the backbone of society. God hates divorce.

But God loves his children. And he knows there is a hard-hearted streak in all of us. So what does God do? How does he accommodate the hard-heartedness of people? Destroy them with lightning? Wink and look away as if to say, "Everyone messes up"?

No, he protects the tenderhearted. And he makes it possible for the hard-hearted to repent and start over.

Mark it down, however: Divorce is not his will. A tenderhearted marriage is.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

107. Almost every year we move to a new house if not a new country. My husband is in the military, and I support his career completely, but all the changes that come with these moves are beginning to weigh on me. I'm becoming anxious about the next move, making it difficult for me to be supportive of my husband.

Life comes caffeinated with surprises. Modifications. Transitions. Alterations. You move down the ladder, out of the house, over for the new guy, up through the system. All this moving. Some changes are welcome; others are not.

While the idea of moving to a new place sounds exotic at first, I'm sure over time it's a burden. As soon as you memorize the channels on your cable system, you're packing the TV. The minute you've worked up the guts to introduce yourself to the neighbor, it's time to say good-bye.

Probably the hardest transitional sacrifices are the friendships. Finding friends is hard. Making friends even harder. Many relationships require time, and time isn't always on your side.

But it's important to stay by your husband's side during these transitions. After God, he is your primary and most important relationship.

I always wondered why God made woman from the rib of a man until I realized the location of the rib is at the man's side. He wants husbands and wives to stand side by side through all the difficulties and struggles of life.

You are not following your husband to the next location, carrying his boxes and golf bag. You are standing side by side holding hands and supporting each other along the way.

Jesus knew the difficulties of relocation. His parents moved from Nazareth to Bethlehem, then to Egypt, then back to Nazareth - all of this before Jesus learned to walk! When Jesus started his ministry, he had no mailing address, roaming around Israel from place to place. Then after his thirty-three-year stint on earth, Jesus packed up his bags and transferred back to heaven. His disciples didn't want him to leave, so he reminded them that they wouldn't be alone: "Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you" (John 16:7).

Counselor means many things, such as "friend" or "helper", two people you need the most when you move into unfamiliar territory. Although he won't help you pack boxes or move the piano to the fourth floor, he will come alongside you, fill you with peace, and move in your heart as never before.

The Counselor, the Friend, the Helper, is the Holy Spirit. You can find just as much Holy Spirit in Tulsa as you can in Tallahassee. He works in Bangor and Bangkok. His address reads everywhere from Atlanta to Zanzibar.... and from heaven to earth.

Jesus took his spiritual family with him everywhere he went. And so should you.

God never sends you out alone. When everything in life changes, one thing cannot: the Holy Spirit will always be at your side.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

106. Is there a biblical way to handle finances in a marriage? My wife does a far better job of handling our finances than I ever could. I'm happy (relieved, in fact) that she is willing to do this. But my brother feels strongly that this is a godly man's responsibility. Is he right?

The New Testament gives two commands to husbands about their wives.

Love them (Eph 5:25, 28; Col 3:19).

Lead them (Eph 5:22, 24; Col 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1).

Love them and lead them; that's it.

Nothing about balancing the checkbook.

What's wrong with a husband who likes to clean the house or a wife who enjoys mowing the lawn? If a wife cleans out the garage, has the man been emasculated? Surely not.

If a husband loves his wife and cooks her dinner, is he less of a man than if he changes the oil? So a man loves cooking oil over motor oil! What's the big deal?

If your wife enjoys balancing the checkbook and taking care of the finances, let her. If you love her, encourage her to do something she loves.

Together, work out guidelines for spending. Pray with each other over big purchases. Determine the best investments you can both make.

A real man leads his wife to the things she loves to do.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

105. My husband says I am too critical of him, and he's right. I have a terrible habit of criticizing him for everything. I hate having this judgmental attitude, and I know it's not good for our marriage. I need help to change my perspective.

Five times in Proverbs, Solomon addressed a quarrelsome wife and twice likens her to a constant dripping and the other times says it's better for a man to live on the roof or in the desert than in the house with her. (Prov 19:12; 21:9, 19; 25:24; 27:15).

Every time a wife nags, drip.

Every time she criticizes, drip.

Every time she blames, drip.

A critical nature can wear on a guy.

You are saying you don't trust your husband to change the situation. He feels it. A man wants to be respected. When he's respected, he leads. When he's challenged, he fights.

You are also saying you don't trust God to change your husband. You forget about praying to God and go straight to criticizing your husband. It's faster, and it gets the point across more quickly. Is that the best path? No.

A man needs to ripen from the inside before he is fruitful. Let God be the critical one. Allow the Holy Spirit to remind your husband of what he needs to do and how he needs to do it.

Do it before your house is flooded and everyone drowns!

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

104. I dread going home at the end of the day. Our home is a combat zone. I don't know what to do about it. I offer to go to counseling. But she refuses. Help!

No one wants to live in a combat zone. But many do. Many do because they married someone who is so different from them. The quiet marry the boisterous. The laid-back marry the high-strung. The left-brained marry the right-brained. We are attracted to our opposite. But what attracts us when we are dating, attacks us when we are married.

For that reason a good marriage is hard work. Harmony doesn't just happen. Vocal harmony is achieved when the choir practices. Color harmony is achieved when the artist experiments. And marital harmony exists when two people resolve to "make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit" (Eph 4:3). Here are some ideas:

Be considerate. "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives" (1 Peter 3:7). The word consider shares ancestry with the word knowledge. It means to "have an understanding of". It is amazing how quickly consideration vanishes once we get married. "The wisdom that comes from heaven is... considerate" (James 3:17). When I'm inconsiderate to my wife, I'm stupid. The wise thing is to be considerate of your husband, of your wife.

Love "does not demand its one way" (1 Cor 13:5). Don't try to change your mate. don't change the "I do" into an "I'll redo". Meet in the middle. Be flexible. Yield your rights. Give and take. Learn the art of negotiation. Compromise.

Keep courting. What you did to fall in love, keep doing so you'll stay in love. "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Prov 5:18). "Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love" (Eccl 9:9). Enjoy your spouse. Encourage each other. Compliment your wife on her new shoes, your husband on his hard work. Look into your spouse's eyes and say, "My life is so much better with you". Each day this week pick out something you like, big or small, and be thankful. You will find that your spouse is 90 percent awesome and 10 percent under construction. You have a great spouse. Tell him or her. If there was more courting in marriage, there would be fewer marriages in court.

Fight fairly. Never criticize your spouse in public. When you make fun of her cooking or his snoring, you are hitting below the belt. Let others mock their mates, not you. You signed on for better or for worse; if you can love the worst, things will get better. Don't hide stones in snowballs. Don't harbor grudges or dredge up the past. Avoid unnecessary absolutes like never and always. When a fight starts, be quick to listen and slow to speak. Honor each other.

Lock the escape hatch. Throw away the key. You must assume "I'm in it till death do us part. I made a promise to God, and I'm going to keep it if it kills me!" Commitment is what makes a marriage great. If divorce is an option, then you're not going to put forth the effort. Don't use the threat of divorce when you get ticked off. When you get mad, you don't hint at leaving. And you don't use scare words. They are off-limits, unacceptable. No matter how mad you are and how angry and how much you hate that person at the moment, you do not bring up the issue of divorce, because it's not even an issue.

Ask Christ to put his Spirit within you. Love Christ even more than you love each other. When the husband focuses on growing toward Christ and the wife focuses on growing toward Christ, it automatically brings them together. Christ is not going to fight with Christ.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

103. Our daughter is making final preparations for her wedding day. She's a godly woman and is marrying a wonderful Christian man, but with so many marriages ending in divorce these days, we worry even for this young couple. Can you give us one important piece of advice to share with her on her wedding day?

Tell her to be patient.

Everything worthwhile takes time to make. Wine. Sculptures. Paintings. Bridges.

However, we want our spouse and our marriage to be perfect the first morning of the honeymoon. We want the perfect house painted the perfect color on the perfect street in Perfect Town, USA. We want to work the perfect job that pays the perfect salary and allows us to work with perfect people. We want the perfect kids to get perfect grades and pick the perfect college.

Sound perfect? Sure.

Sound probable? No.

Be patient. Your spouse, your job, your home, your kids will not be perfect, at least not right away. Over time and with hard work, things fall into place. Maybe not perfect, but perfectly all right.

God is not finished with you yet. He's still working out the kinks in your marriage. He's putting the final touches on your kids. Your home is a work in progress.

Be patient and don't give up before the Master nods approvingly, "Well done."

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

102. I've been dating a girl for three months. She says she is in love. I'm not sure I am, but I feel different when I'm with her. Is that love?

Feelings can fool you. I spoke recently with a teenage girl who was puzzled by the lack of feelings she had for a guy. Before they started dating, she was wild about him. The minute he showed interest in her, however, she lost interest.

I'm thinking also of a young mom. Being a parent isn't as romantic as she anticipated. Diapers and midnight feedings aren't any fun, and she's feeling guilty because they aren't. Am I low on love? she wonders.

How do you answer such questions? Ever wish you had a way to assess the quality of your affection? A DNA test for love? Paul offers us one: "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth" (1 Cor 13:6). In this verse lies a test for love.

Want to separate the fake from the factual, the counterfeit from the real thing? Want to know if what you feel is genuine love? Ask yourself this: Do I encourage this person to do what is right? For true love "takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth" (1 Cor 13:6 Jerusalem Bible).

For instance, one lady calls another and says, "We're friends, right?"

"Yeah, we're friends."

"If my husband asks, you tell him we were together at the movies last night."

"But we weren't."

"I know, but I was, well, I was with another guy, and - hey, you'll do this for me, won't you? We're friends, right" Tighter than sisters, right:?"

Does this person pass the test? No way. Love doesn't ask someone to do what is wrong. How do we know? "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."

If you find yourself prompting evil in others, heed the alarm. This is not love. And if others prompt evil in you be alert.

Here's an example. A classic one. A young couple is on a date. His affection goes beyond her comfort zone. She resists. But he tries to persuade her with the oldest line in the book: "But I love you. I just want to be near you. If you loved me...."

That siren you hear? It's the phony-love-detector. This guy doesn't love her. He may love having sex with her. He may love her body. He may love boasting to his buddies about his conquest. But he doesn't love her. True love will never ask the "beloved" to do what he or she thinks is wrong.

Love doesn't tear down the convictions of others. Quite the contrary.

"Love builds up". (1 Cor 8:1)

"Whoever loves a brother or sister lives in the light and will not cause anyone to stumble". (1 John 2:10)

"When you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ". (1 Cor 8:12)

Do you want to know if your love for someone is true? If your friendship is genuine? Ask yourself: do I influence this person to do what is right?

If you answered yes, ask her out for dinner.

By: Max Lucado