MAX ON LIFE

113. I grew up in a home with no discipline. My parents let me do anything I wanted to do, and I did. In raising my kids, I don't want to follow their example. I don't want to over-discipline either. What is the balance?

Gardeners know how to straighten a tree. Some saplings are strong and healthy but are headed in the wrong direction. They suffer from a lean. Wanting the tree to grow straight, what does the gardener do? He ties a rope to the trunk, straightens the tree, and stakes the rope into the ground. Henceforth, as the tree grows, it is pulled in the right direction.

Children need the same correctional tug. The Bible calls this discipline.

"Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." (Prov 22:15)

"A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them." (Prov 13:24)

Scripture never endorses physical abuse or irresponsible chastening. The Bible does teach that punishment is a deterrent for defiant disobedience. In fact, under the Law of Moses, rebelling against parents was a capital offense (Deut 21:28-21). There's no mention in history of its ever being used, but for sure it was threatened!

Discipline is not easy, but these principles helped Denalyn and me.

Be careful. Be quick to interrupt misbehavior but slow to punish it. Place a child in time-out while you both cool down. Punishment is never a license for cruelty. If you are enjoying the administration of the discipline, you need to stop.

Be consistent. The punishment must fit the act. Seek to discern the cause of the action. What motivated this behavior? It's one thing to slam a door out of disrespect. It's another to slam it because the ice cream truck is on the street.. Forgetting to clean the room is one matter; stomping a foot and refusing to clean it is another. Oversights are misdemeanors. Rebellion is a felony.

Be clear. Explain what the punishment is and what the offense was. Do not assume the child understands. Do not punish a child for "being bad". The child may have done a bad thing, but that doesn't mean he is a bad child.

Be compassionate. One mistake does not a child make. One season of waywardness does not a child define. "Love does not keep a record of wrongs" (1 Cor 13:5). But love does keep a list of things done well.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

112. What should I tell my kids about sex?

When we became parents, we took on the roles of chauffeur, chaperone, EMT, coach, provider, recreational director, and sex education instructor. Most of us feel woefully inadequate on this last assignment. However, some ideas may help.

Model healthy sexuality in your home. Express appropriate affection. When kids see parents holding hands or kissing good-bye before going to work, this sends a healthy message: physical affection is not to be feared.

On the other hand, if children discover inappropriate sexuality in the lives of their parents, the poor example leaves an indelible impression. If children find their dad's porn on the computer or in the garage, discover romantic text messages on mom's phone but not sent by dad, or awaken to see their single parent's date from the night before cooking breakfast, they take note. Hypocrisy speaks loudly. Don't underestimate the damage of a bad example, and don't underestimate the power of a good one.

Be "askable". When we hear our kids ask about condoms, periods, or intercourse, we are tempted to cover our ears or wash out their mouths. There is no need to overreact. Just do your best. Give clear, age-appropriate answers. Small children need only basic information. Teenagers need more details. At some point all children need to understand that sexual activity and desires are God's good idea. Urgings and interests are not dirty or dangerous. Sex is God's gift, yet it is a wedding gift.

Again, children deserve to hear this message from their parents. I like the idea of parents presenting their child, sometime in early adolescence, with a purity ring or necklace that the teenager can wear as a symbol. Others cosign covenants of sexual purity in which parents and kids promise to honor God's standard.

Connect with a community of faith. You stack the odds in your children's favor by plugging them into a Christian youth group. This only makes sense. When teenagers' best friends are Christians, when their favorite hangout is a youth group, when you help them have healthy peers and hear Christ-honoring truth, you're giving your children a head start.

Make your home a place of grace. Young people mess up. They go too far too fast, and when they do, moms and dads, let's give them a safe place to land. Let's give our children what God gives us: clear teaching, appropriate correction, and abundant forgiveness.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

111. I've fallen in love with a divorced man who has two children. I've never been married, so I wonder whether God looks with any disfavor on marriages to divorced people. Can you help me with these concerns?

Jesus was asked about divorce and remarriage.

"The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, 'Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?' And He answered and said to them, 'Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female', and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?' So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.'

They said to Him, 'Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?'

He said to them, 'Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery'." (Matt 19:3-9)

Our society plays musical chairs with marriages, exchanging lovers like partners at a square dance. God says stay put and stay faithful.

The home is sacred and should be guarded like a fortress. Only one thing, in Jesus' eyes, warrants divorce - an ongoing choice by one partner to be sexually active with a person outside the marriage.

Divorce should never be taken lightly. If reconciliation is absolutely you'll-be-talking-to-my-lawyers impossible, then what else can you do? If every means or repairing the relationship has been tried, tested, and tossed out, what's Plan B?

So does God forgive those who get divorced? How about an adulterer? Can the unfaithful ever again have a happy marriage?

God forgave King David. For David, adultery became a lifestyle, with all those wives and concubine girlfriends. He satisfied his own desires yet broke God's desire for marriage. David even committed murder to get Bathsheba. So does God forgive murderers and adulterers? Thieves on a cross? Persecutors on the road to Damascus? All the time.

God forgives, but he prefers to prevent. Forgiven people can move on with their lives, but they must deal with the consequences of their choice and all the hurt that accompanies it.

Since divorce is inevitable in this world, God can certainly bless two forgiving and forgiven hearts who desire to start over and make it right the second time.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

110. My husband has admitted to having an affair. We've struggled for years to keep our loveless marriage alive. All my friends tell me I should divorce him while I'm young enough to marry again. Should I listen to them? Divorce seems like such a drastic step, and I know it would hurt our kids.

When two become one, as the Bible describes marriage, they join together with an invisible bonding agent so adhesive that, when broken, it splinters. Marriage is not held together with spit and polish so that it slides apart easily when the two people go their separate ways. Divorce shatters that bond and the lives of the people involved.

Hearts break. Plans disintegrate. Pieces of trust lie all over the place. And it's not just the spouses who must put their lives back together but the children, the aunts and uncles, the grandparents, the friends. Divorce is a nuclear bomb that wipes out everything in its path.

So should you seek a divorce? No. It's never the first option.

Go back to those vows, the moment that first brought you together. Remember the motivation that caused you to say those words. You promised to stay together no matter what, even if you don't feel in love.

Love is not a feeling. Love is a commitment. Thankfully, God does not love me based on whether he feels I meet all his standards. He loves me because he promised to love me in sickness and in health, for better and worse, for as long as we both shall live (which is eternally).

And God always keeps his word. May he help us keep ours.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

109. When Jesus presented hardness of hearts as the reason for divorce (Matt 19:8). What did he mean?

Romance begins with soft hearts. Hand holding. Cuddling. We have pet names for each other. We apologize, take the blame, and share the chores. But let a few years pass, a few babies come, and cardiac calcification sets in.

There is a disagreement. He sits on one side of the couch and she on the other. He's thinking, I'm not going to apologize. Not me. She's thinking, If he believes I'm going to admit my mistake, he's smoking something.

This is a crossroads moment. Will one take the high road and honor the vow? Or will both love pride more than the other person and grumble, "I'm going to make this hurt"? Sometimes one of the two hearts softens. But one is not enough. Marriage depends on two tender hearts.

Hard hearts can't support a marriage. Eventually one of the hard-hearted spouses meets a kind associate or neighbor, and adultery knocks on the door. To prevent this, God builds a moat around the home. "I hate divorce!" he announced (Mal 2:16). It hurts children. It makes a mockery out of marriage. It breaks the backbone of society. God hates divorce.

But God loves his children. And he knows there is a hard-hearted streak in all of us. So what does God do? How does he accommodate the hard-heartedness of people? Destroy them with lightning? Wink and look away as if to say, "Everyone messes up"?

No, he protects the tenderhearted. And he makes it possible for the hard-hearted to repent and start over.

Mark it down, however: Divorce is not his will. A tenderhearted marriage is.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

107. Almost every year we move to a new house if not a new country. My husband is in the military, and I support his career completely, but all the changes that come with these moves are beginning to weigh on me. I'm becoming anxious about the next move, making it difficult for me to be supportive of my husband.

Life comes caffeinated with surprises. Modifications. Transitions. Alterations. You move down the ladder, out of the house, over for the new guy, up through the system. All this moving. Some changes are welcome; others are not.

While the idea of moving to a new place sounds exotic at first, I'm sure over time it's a burden. As soon as you memorize the channels on your cable system, you're packing the TV. The minute you've worked up the guts to introduce yourself to the neighbor, it's time to say good-bye.

Probably the hardest transitional sacrifices are the friendships. Finding friends is hard. Making friends even harder. Many relationships require time, and time isn't always on your side.

But it's important to stay by your husband's side during these transitions. After God, he is your primary and most important relationship.

I always wondered why God made woman from the rib of a man until I realized the location of the rib is at the man's side. He wants husbands and wives to stand side by side through all the difficulties and struggles of life.

You are not following your husband to the next location, carrying his boxes and golf bag. You are standing side by side holding hands and supporting each other along the way.

Jesus knew the difficulties of relocation. His parents moved from Nazareth to Bethlehem, then to Egypt, then back to Nazareth - all of this before Jesus learned to walk! When Jesus started his ministry, he had no mailing address, roaming around Israel from place to place. Then after his thirty-three-year stint on earth, Jesus packed up his bags and transferred back to heaven. His disciples didn't want him to leave, so he reminded them that they wouldn't be alone: "Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you" (John 16:7).

Counselor means many things, such as "friend" or "helper", two people you need the most when you move into unfamiliar territory. Although he won't help you pack boxes or move the piano to the fourth floor, he will come alongside you, fill you with peace, and move in your heart as never before.

The Counselor, the Friend, the Helper, is the Holy Spirit. You can find just as much Holy Spirit in Tulsa as you can in Tallahassee. He works in Bangor and Bangkok. His address reads everywhere from Atlanta to Zanzibar.... and from heaven to earth.

Jesus took his spiritual family with him everywhere he went. And so should you.

God never sends you out alone. When everything in life changes, one thing cannot: the Holy Spirit will always be at your side.

By: Max Lucado

MAX ON LIFE

106. Is there a biblical way to handle finances in a marriage? My wife does a far better job of handling our finances than I ever could. I'm happy (relieved, in fact) that she is willing to do this. But my brother feels strongly that this is a godly man's responsibility. Is he right?

The New Testament gives two commands to husbands about their wives.

Love them (Eph 5:25, 28; Col 3:19).

Lead them (Eph 5:22, 24; Col 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1).

Love them and lead them; that's it.

Nothing about balancing the checkbook.

What's wrong with a husband who likes to clean the house or a wife who enjoys mowing the lawn? If a wife cleans out the garage, has the man been emasculated? Surely not.

If a husband loves his wife and cooks her dinner, is he less of a man than if he changes the oil? So a man loves cooking oil over motor oil! What's the big deal?

If your wife enjoys balancing the checkbook and taking care of the finances, let her. If you love her, encourage her to do something she loves.

Together, work out guidelines for spending. Pray with each other over big purchases. Determine the best investments you can both make.

A real man leads his wife to the things she loves to do.

By: Max Lucado